When Your
Kids Are Popular with the Wrong Crowd
By Sylvia
Rimm, PhD
One boy in
my school got his ears pierced. His friends
thought he was cool, so they got their ears pierced, too.
Other people thought they were weird, so they formed their
own group.
5th-grade
boy
There seems
to be nothing more difficult for achievement-oriented
parents to tolerate than seeing their kids bond with a
negative peer group. Students who don't value school are
often antiparents and pro-alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and
casual sex and thrive on irreverent and often obnoxious
music. Your kids will probably proclaim that they are good
and loyal friends or that they're much nicer and less
shallow than the "preppies" and "jocks." These negative
peers may indeed be kinder to your children than some other
kids you'd prefer for them to befriend. Your kids may become
secretive, say that you're controlling, and protest that you
have no right to say with whom they can be friends.
Below are
preventive strategies that can work well for encouraging
your kids to avoid negative peers.
Don't
pressure kids to make friends.
Many of the
antischool kids I've worked with are lonely, attention
seeking, and sometimes aggressive as elementary-age
children. Parents and teachers are anxious about their kids'
lack of friends, even when they do have a few. Parents and
teachers often put pressure on them to make friends, and the
kids connect having a large group of close friends with
healthy adjustment. They feel that adults are disappointed
in them when they don't have friends, and by middle school,
they become so anxious about making friends that they're
willing to do almost anything to be included in any group
that validates them. They develop a deep resentment toward
the bright, achieving, or athletic kids who haven't accepted
them, and they share that resentment in order to build
solidarity with another group. In some ways, they believe
that "good kids" are bad, because the "bad kids" are loyal
to each other, although they may appear tough or mean to
outsiders.
When your
kids are a little lonely, it's important to label it as
independence
even though you realize it isn't easy for them. In that way,
you avoid putting too much pressure on them to make friends
and become popular. Use this time to help them learn skills
and develop interests that will enable them to share
activities with others. For example, learning to play chess
will encourage them to play with other kids, developing an
interest in music or art will give them a passion to share
with other positive young people who also enjoy those
activities, or playing soccer or taking gymnastics classes
will make them feel like part of a team. Once they have
friends who share their interests, they will be less likely
to feel pressured to unite with negative kids.
Avoid
conspiratorial relationships.
Rebellious adolescents are often overempowered by parents
who are divided. A mother who allies with her child against
the dad, or a father who allies with a child against the
mom, teaches a child that relationships become closer and
more intimate when two people share a common enemy. Learning
to feel close to a person only when there's a common enemy
can become a very negative but intense habit, which
transfers naturally to finding a peer group or even a boy-
or girlfriend who is against school or parents.
This
alliance-against-an-enemy relationship with a parent becomes
an even greater risk during or after a divorce. Mothers who
have been rejected by their husbands can be especially
vulnerable to sharing intimate details about the husband's
behavior. Although at first it seems that kids understand
the situation and value the intimate sharing, this
too-intimate practice almost always backfires. Divorce is no
time to assume that children are mature enough to be your
counselors or confidantes. Not only does this place kids in
an impossible dilemma, but it also teaches them to
disrespect and rebel against their other parent, which will
in turn cause the other parent to teach them disrespect for
you. You're giving up your adult responsibility when your
kids may require it most.
Help kids
adjust to a move.
Another important prevention scenario takes place after a
move to a new community. I recommend having your child
paired with other kids initially when moving to a new
school. The kids with whom she's paired could make her feel
more comfortable, as well as include her in a positive
group. The selection of those new friends should be made
carefully. You can probably do that most diplomatically if
you share with the teacher or counselor your child's
positive interests. If you do this, it's more likely that
your child and those with whom she's paired will have
activities or interests in common.
Sometimes
teachers pair negative or needy kids with new students in
the hopes of helping them. Caution your child that finding
good friends takes time. Be reassuring that there's no need
to hurry it along, and that you're certain that eventually
he'll find good friends. Seeking popularity encourages the
quest for status and quantity of friends, which may or may
not turn out to be a good thing, depending on the values of
the popular peer group in the school.
What if your
child has already been influenced by a negative peer group?
The solutions below may help when you need positive
intervention.
Change
schools or teams.
There are several possibilities for helping your kids ditch
negative peer groups. Sometimes changing schools or teams
can be effective. This has proven to be extremely powerful
for some kids who have been clients at my Family Achievement
Clinic. Most middle schools use a team approach with between
two and four teams in a school. Talk to your child's school
counselor about the possibility of changing to a different
team to get him away from negative peers. This may help your
child make new friends, particularly if he has at least one
positive friend in a new team. Changing schools or teams
works most effectively when negative relationships are just
beginning, before your child is overly engaged with the
group. It also works best if the negative group doesn't live
in your neighborhood.
Prohibit
friendships.
Sending a clear message to your child that you wish he not
befriend a particular individual or group may make a
difference for middle schoolers. You'll need to justify the
prohibition by explaining that the other kids' behavior is
unacceptable, and you'll permit them to be friends outside
of school only if you see a change in the other kids. When
both parents agree on that philosophy, your child will
likely accept it. When both parents don't agree, don't waste
your time prohibiting the friendship. This is an important
communication that both parents should talk through
carefully.
Develop new
interests.
The most positive technique
for removing kids from a negative peer group is to get them
involved in positive peer experiences, such as fun
enrichment programs, special-interest groups, drama, music,
sports, Scouts, religious groups, summer programs, camps, or
youth travel programs. They may not want to join without
their friends, so introducing them to someone who's already
part of a group may encourage them. A teacher or group
leader may help to facilitate new friendships.
Enter
contests.
Encourage your child to enter
contests or activities in which he has a chance of winning
or receiving an important part. Don't hesitate to talk to a
coach or teacher privately about your efforts to reverse
your child's negativism. Winning kids are often excluded
from peer groups that are negative about school. Winning a
speech, music, art, or sports contest often gives status to
students and causes them to appear more interesting to
positive students. Sometimes a victory is enough to separate
a tween from a negative peer group.
Plan an
exciting family trip.
A family trip is also an option for distracting your wayward
child from negativity. Time away from peers in an entirely
new environment can channel your child's independence.
One-on-one trips with a parent may be effective in reducing
tension and enhancing family closeness. A trip with only one
parent and one tween may be more productive than if the
whole family is present, because the tween will be freed
from sibling rivalry issues.
If you
introduce any of these courses of action to your children,
don't expect them to like it. These options shouldn't be
suggested as choices, or your kids surely won't choose them.
You can, however, permit or even encourage them to make
choices among the options. For example, they can choose
between a summer writing or music program, which will
hopefully encourage new and positive interests and
friendships.
Copyright © 2005 Sylvia Rimm
Reprinted from:
Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm Report on the Secret World of
America's Middle Schoolers
by Sylvia Rimm, PhD
(September 2005; $23.95US/$31.95CAN; 1-57954-709-5) © 2005
Sylvia Rimm. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA
18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from
the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their
website at
www.rodalestore.com
Author
Sylvia Rimm, PhD,
is a noted child psychologist who directs Sylvia Rimm's
Family Achievement Clinic and is a clinical professor at
Case School of Medicine, both in Cleveland. Her books
include See Jane Win,
a New York Times
bestseller, and Rescuing
the Emotional Lives of Overweight Children, which
was a finalist for the Books for a Better Life Award. A
syndicated newspaper columnist and a favorite personality on
public radio, Dr. Rimm has also appeared on NBC's
20/20 and
The Today Show
and MSNBC's Weekend
Today. She and her husband reside in Cleveland,
Ohio.
For more information, please
visit
www.sylviarimm.com